Exasperated in Essex's mother-in-law is a hypochondriac! Is there anything she can do about it?
February 09, 2024
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Dear Erica,
My mother-in-law is a total hypochondriac. She has a whole host of ailments that keep her in bed on a regular basis, and the doctors have not been able to find anything actually wrong with her. Half the time, I think she’s acting ill to get attention, but when I say anything of the sort, my husband suggests I’m being insensitive and cold-hearted. What do you think? And is there any way I can persuade my husband I’m right?
Exasperated in Essex
Dear Exasperated in Essex,
I’m sure you are right, but persuading your husband requires far more than just being right. Your mother-in-law reminds me of Mrs. Shaw in Elizabeth Gaskell’s North and South. The author writes, Mrs. Shaw had “every good of life, with as few drawbacks as possible, and she had been rather perplexed to find an anxiety, if not a sorrow. She had, however, of late settled upon her own health as a source of apprehension; she had a nervous little cough whenever she thought about it.” And when the doctor recommends that a winter in Italy might aid her ailments, she readily agrees because, “she never liked to do anything from the open and acknowledged motive of her own will and pleasure.” Some people love the role of martyr, and being ill is a good way to gain attention.
If we contrast Mrs. Shaw with her sister, Mrs. Hale, we see someone who is genuinely sick and rarely complains about the gravity of her illness. Rather than burden her daughter, Margaret, and her husband with her suffering, she keeps her illness a secret to spare them worry.
You probably are right, and your mother-in-law is making up her ailments to gain attention, but what do you gain from being right? You are right in thinking your husband won’t want to hear it, and you might cause yourself and him more grief by proving it to him.
Ultimately, it’s hard to get people to change. And if your mother in law is weak, and needy, she is likely to stay that way. And rather than wish she was more of a hearty Hale, and less of a sickly Shaw, you might be better off recognizing what another character in North and South, the tough matriarch, Mrs. Thornton, understood about her own daughter. Her daughter, Fanny, was often complaining of minor ailments, and whinging over nothing, and Mrs. Thornton “felt instinctively that nothing could strengthen Fanny to endure hardships patiently, or face difficulties bravely; and though she winced as she made this acknowledgment to herself about her daughter, it only gave her a kind of pitying tenderness of manner towards her.”
Rather than feel irritated by your mother in law, recognize her hypochondria as a cry for attention. Like Fanny and Mrs. Shaw, she is simply giving herself some relevance in a world where she is probably feeling less and less needed or wanted. I suggest the best thing to do is visit with her and chat over a nice cup of tea. You might insist she gets out of bed, and avoid talking about her ailments, but give her that bit of attention she is so obviously craving. I know it’s hard but your husband will think you’re a saint which is never a bad thing. And who knows, maybe you’ll develop a “pitying tenderness” for her like Mrs. Thornton did for her own daughter. It’s doubtful, she is your mother-in-law after all, but it’s worth a try!
Hope that helps!
Erica